I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope