The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying