Sunday
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Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.