You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
emergency phone
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.