Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Dammit Chief not again
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.