Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.