I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
So the ex texted me
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
me and who