Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
This guy gets it.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.