A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
How to draw a duck
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.