“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I am HOWLING at this
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”