My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down