I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad