Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Breaking news:
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…