Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.