All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Oh the world we live in…
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Woke up against my better judgment again
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.