Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
🛁
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby