Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask