Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Its a hippotatomus
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”