If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.