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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.