Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?