Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me trying to reach for my goals
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.