CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
You Might Also Like
Worst bar ever.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.