This is sending me to another galaxy
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
how to market bottled water to dads
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store