My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
So inspired right now.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.