Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I found your tweet-up…
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?