ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
What a year we’ve had this week.
He-man has a Masters degree
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY