Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
no!! no!!!!!!
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.