[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Strange
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Yup.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.