Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Well, that should do it
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?