Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
life finds a way
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!