I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Choose your fighter
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.