Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
reminder
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?