Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
You Might Also Like
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Hard not to take this personally
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
oh my gosh!!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
the council will decide your fate
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is