[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.