CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
iPhone X
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.