I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…