a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep