i spent way too long on this
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My flabber has been gasted.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.