Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*