What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*limbos under the caution tape
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Dune (2021)
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???