I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
🤣🤣🤣
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.