[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
SPLOOT
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”