My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Hard not to take this personally
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant