A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
john wicks are toilet candles
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you