Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human