I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
You Might Also Like
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Go girl power!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.