Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
🤣dope
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
motivation
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.