Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Duck typos.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
HERE’S MARKY
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Butt weight. There’s more!
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
#Caturday