This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars